-10- HEADACHE As much as I try to keep going The headache still comes. My eyes grow heavy and weak My neck becomes stiff My forehead and temples hurt, pressure within and without. Confusion clouds my mind with fog. There is something I should do soon but no matter it Willpower of the mind cannot overcome Won't-power of the body. The pain does build Cheeks numb, as if frozen Skin cold to the touch Limbs are heavy to move Alertness wanes as confusion grows I feel so alone, so needy, So put upon, so ignored. P. Griffiths, 1995. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY [4:45 pm] I feel quite awful today. Stomach problems with flu like symptoms. I am not happy at all. I feel quite frustrated with feeling so ill. And to make it harder the darn symptoms ebb and flow so that one minute I feel like perking up and the next I'm stumbling, only to feel reasonable for an hour or so before being hit by another wave. ARGH! Life is difficult on days like today. I am quite useless due to the fluctuations. I start but I don't finish [things], or I delay due to feeling yucky. ----- DIARY. MONDAY. [111 pm] I'm getting the Canada Pension [disability]. It has been approved and I'll get my first check any day now. What a relief that is . I'll be able to catch up on all my bills and go shopping besides. I feel quite happy about it all. Soon I will be able to enjoy a long hot bath again. [We had run out of heating oil and had no funds to purchase more] I am looking forward to that event. My body has been hurting today. The cot may be where I'll spend most of my nights when Don is mobile in his sleep. The aches and pains of the body do drag me down. I hate feeling so dragged out and tired. I can't enjoy much of anything at times. I am just too tired to remember anything. But the pension will help. I will be able to eat better and live better so at least I will be more comfortable. ----- DIARY. THURSDAY. [late pm] I hope that I can sleep well tonight. Not even the cot can provide me with rest when the brain is not willing. I disturb too easily and the world is ever so noisy when I need quiet. And once awakened I can't fall back to sleep. So instead I cat nap between jolts [of being jolted awake], and then I suffer the aches and pains of the jolts all day long. I hate feeling this darn ill, I truly do. I have other stages of the cycle that I can more easily live with than this pain and sleepless one. I have no time of clear head or of useful energy during this time, only clouded head and painful body. The brain isn't quite on, so the days and nights drag on in exhaustion and pain. I feel so very useless about all of this, sick and useless besides. It is no fun to feel this way. ----- DIARY. FRIDAY. [1pm] Each day this week has been harder for me than the last. I am ready to drop from exhaustion right now. I hope that the house stays quiet all afternoon. I am quite fed up with all the shit I out up with around here. I want peace and quiet - I need and deserve both. Hell, I deserve better than I've got. I really don't want to keep on resenting people because I let them stay around and bully me. I am very tired right now. Very ill. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY. [11:15pm] If the tears that cloud my heart would but burst forth maybe I could feel some relief from my fear and pain. No one will take my fear and pain seriously, and that hurts too. The only one to reassure me is Mao Cat. I feel quite terrorized psychologically, even though I put forward a tough face to the world. I am afraid. I am afraid for myself, afraid for my cats, afraid for my kids - and I am also afraid of my reaction if [I am] attacked. I don't want to be put into the situation of violence because I will have to - will be compelled to - put things right - and I may kill someone in a very cold, cruel, efficent manner which I will not at all regret. When the threats fly around me as they have been doing, I feel myself going very cold inside. There is no passion, no rage, no heat, just cold darkness. I fear it may swallow me up, possess me. So many things do I fear. I cannot just ignore it as Ken [my son] and Don do. I wish I could and I do try to. But it is all too much for me. Every fiber in my body registers danger signals- "RED ALERT". It is exhausting. "Battle Bitch" comes out [in me]. Ten my world erupts in violence again. I am tired of the violence, but life keeps throwing it back at me. I [finally] learn patience, forgiveness, love and all those good things and more violence gets thrown in to test and torment me. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY. [late pm] When my rest is disturbed I get owly. I'm getting quite fed up with having my sleep interrupted by loud voices or noises. I am quite fed up with being nice to people who annoy me. I am fed up with being ignored and being expected to be tolerant. I am quite pissed off with the people I love. Things that have me pissed off or fed up [are]::::: Having my sleep disturbed. Finding strangers in my house [that the kids have dragged in]. Being unable to use my phone because the phone is [always] in use. Having the couches and TV being used by a [ongoing] gang of people, mostly strangers - and having to listen to shows that I hate. Being left with someone elses' mess. Being nice when I feel angry [to avoid conflict]. Having my needs ignored. Having my hurts stepped on. Going hungry. Feeling sick. Being worried about money. Being ripped off. Broken promises and commitments made to me. ----- DIARY. MONDAY. [4 pm] I've slept most of the afternoon away and I am putting myself back to bed. I am drop dead tired and total bed rest is all I can do for it. The mess in the kitchen makes [Christmas] baking totally impossible. The boys care more about their not doing housework than [in] giving me the assistance I need to get things done. So be it. There is no help for me. Cakes to bake and cookies and no energy in my body to do any of it. Christmas is a burden I'd rather not bear at this time. The body rebells. -----