-13- FEAR DIARY. AUGUST, 1993. Dark ridges seen upon the moon Lines to imagine a face within Shadows and light interplay Illusion. Darkness encircles a brilliant moon A shining orb against a black sky Shadows dance away in eerie glow Illusion. I fear. I am afraid of everything and everyone at any place or any time. I am afraid of the unknown, the unseen, afraid of what I know and what I do not know. I am afraid of others and afraid of myself. I am afraid of pain and disapproval. I am afraid of punishment and torture. I am afraid of sex. I am afraid of touching. I am afraid of failure of of being wrong. I am afraid of those things I love. I am afraid of ridicule. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of crowds. I am afdraid of loud noises. I am afraid of snakes. I am afraid of being lost. I am afraid of life. Why do I fear so much? Why can't I break free from even some of these fears? ----- ON FEAR Fear, that raw and primeval emotion, has much power over the human body, psyche and soul. Fear triggers what the psychologists have called the "flight or fight" response common among most animals. Fear causes stress hormones to flood into the body to prepare it to either fight or run for life itself. The centre for fear and its responses is deep within the most primitive parts of the brain. Here the fear is very raw and an imagined menace exacts the same response today as staring down a saber toothed cat did for our cave dwelling ancestors. When a person is chroniclly ill, many aspects of fear come into play. Fear for income security is a common one, and of great importance. In our culture our survival depends on our ability to secure a steady and relyable supply of money. Once the ability to keep on earning sufficent funds comes into question, fear sets in. Medical care is another money issue, if you can afford the care you need you can get it...if not you are out of luck. The threat/promise of debility and suffering is frightening. There is the fear of rejection and abandonment. Being alone and unable to take care of one's self is one of the most frightening prospects in anyone's life. As friends and social contacts fade away, isolation begins. Family members do not understand what is happening, and may reject the person as lazy or crazy. Being unable to keep up with the rest of the world can mean being left behind by the rest of the world. Fear is built here. Fear is also built when the medical professionals to which we turn to for assistance in becoming well again reject those with CFIDS/ME, and the realtity of our illness, never mind the reality of our suffering. We begin to doubt and fear our own pain, our own sensory inputs. We hurt...but we cannot be hurting because there is nothing wrong to cause the hurt..the doctor checked us out and told us so. We fear that we are going mad, because we cannot reconcile what we know is happening in our bodies with what the doctors tell us is not happening. Fear is also built as we watch ourselves get sicker and sicker in spite of all our efforts to stop the process. We become painfully aware of just how much we have lost in the way of function, or both body and brain. We moarn for what we have lost and fear greatly any further losses. And when these losses grow greater, we fear losing what remains even more. In our bodies, the fear hormones flood in to do ever more damage to our body. A circle is formed, and it leads to greater sickness. It can also lead to feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, and despair. ----- DIARY. SATURDAY. [11am] I don't want to have to cope any more. I feel weak and sickly and upset by life. I don't want to cope with the fear and pain and despair, it all takes too much strength that I do not have. I tried getting up and going today but my body refuses to cooperate with my intentions. I'll be spending a good deal of today in bed. I don't want to be bothered with other people's shit today, truly I don't. i am confused enough as is just sitting and being dizzy and anxious. A cat would be nice company if he decided to be here. i don't blame the cat boys for not wanting to be here, in my room, with me. Hell, if I had a chance I wouldn't be here either. If I could be certain i would be left alone I could be downstairs on a couch. But I know that people wouldn't let me be. There would be an endless series of distractions, interruptions and irritations as usual. I can't cope with all that right now. I don't even want to try. ----- DIARY. SATURDAY. [late pm] I sit staring at a blank page, pen poised to record my thoughts. My mind goes bland. The page seems foreign, out of context with reality. It is a threat as it calls out for decisive action. Words must be written to be judged by the book. A simple line dictates measure, orders the filling of space there upon. It is madness. There is so much yet so little to say, that needs to be said. Said once, said again, forgotten and repeated. Lines upon lines upon pages untold. I have no profound thoughts to grace the page, no events of magnitude to record. My days are ever so dull and bleak. I can't manage excitement. I can barely manage dull. I don't do much and I feel sadness and guilt over it. I can't do much and for that I feel frustration and rage. There is no point to this lethargy of mine. To toss it away and be energized would be wonderful. Don's talking with Ken and CJ as they get a snack. Don needs this time with the boys. The boys need the time with Don. Time. I have all the time in the world for dullness and grayness. Fade to gray. That's me, color me gray and leave it at that. I am dull. I have no energy for more than that. I'm not happy with dull. Not at all. ----- DOODLE AND DRAW I doodle and I draw To distract myself from pain. I release in color and line Emotions eating out my heart Confusing my mind, Freezing my soul. I have not the strength to act In panic or in rage Or to fight to make it right. All I can do is sit, And when I sit I think, And I hurt, so.. I doodle and draw To distract myself from pain. P. Griffiths, 1993. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY. I don't enjoy being sick. I really feel angry at this illness. I can't do the things I want to do and that makes me very unhappy. I want Don to stop with his ineptance because I am fed up with his whining and screw-ups. I'm the one who is ill and he's the baby wanting atention. I don't care if I am being unfair. I am feeling how I feel and that's how I feel. He puts guilt trips onto me for his screw-ups. I feel very angrt towards him. I don't like getting weaker all the time. I resent the limitations and isolation I have. I have a great deal of pain inside, and once again I am expected to ignore my pain and do what I cannot so in deference to Don's crisis feelings. Damn. All I want is what he expects me to give him. Respect and TLC. ----- DIARY. SATURDAY. My body betrays me again today. I feel ill from the effort to climb a flight of stairs. My legs are stiff where they do not cramp. My hands are stiff. I have tried to limber up with movement but it does no good. I just get hot and sweaty to add to my discomfort. My back hurts too. I feel quite resentful right now. I feel resentful of my body for being so weak and unfunctional. I resent my family for operating in denial of my condition. I resent having to perform Xmas rituals when I haven't the strength for it. It is a week until Xmas day and I don't know if I'll be able to manage. I fear to admit to myself just how sick I am. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to admit that I may soon require a wheelchair and someone to push it if I am to have any strength for anything at all. I feel so alone, and I am afraid. I am afraid to admit to the family just how weak I am that there will be no change in their attitudes and that would hurt very much. They already neglect me and deny me aid. i fear that soon I won't have any choice in this regard. My body does not respond to my will. I feel that nothing does even though I know that is not right. Argh. I hate being weak, I really do. Today I can barely walk at all. I am giving in for today. I feel weak and sick and I want to tell the world just to fuck off. I don't want to be reasonable to anyone for anything. Not today I don't. I am having an off day so I am taking the day off. I need to learn to be more agressive in regard to self interests. I realize that fact now. Oh damn, I don't know what I'm going to do in any regard. I can't even prepare food for myself today. Life is a drag, a bore. I hate it. I hate being weak like this. Weak but not all that sleepy. The stairs are difficult and the bladder is irritated so I am in bed [near the bathroom] trying to be as warm and comfortable as I can. The warm bed is noce. But damn, I'm lonely. I'm not sleepy in the least. Phooey. I hate this illness. -----