-9- AND THEN THE WALL CAME CRASHING DOWN ON TOP OF ME DIARY. FRIDAY. [1:30 pm] Oh fucking bloody hell again. Being eaten out of house and home again. Long noisy nights. Lots of people around the place again. Fun times again. Not! The same theme in recurring nightmares of life. "Lois" [pseudonym] is down from Naniamo for a few days. She needed a break, so she came "home". Up there she is taking in teenage girls, being the Naniamo youth hostel. She has grown up a great deal in the past few months. Mao Cat's neck cyst got filled and has drained again. Poor guy. I haven't seen Danny cat in days. I hope he comes home soon, but with all the people around he may just avoid the place. The landlord is planning on selling some of the bigs trees on the property to a local mill. I'd rather have the mature trees sold than the rent jump a big amount. I feel exhausted. I need to rest. ----- DIARY. TUESDAY. [2 pm] I would be writing for pages if I were to sit and recount all the horrible events and minor miracles that have occurred over the past week. I get upset just thinking about some of it. The pains in the ass [people] are gone and my nerves [are] fried. I'm very worn out and weakened. But all in all we have made it. I'm seeking a monetary miracle at this time, which I do hope will be forthcoming shortly. All I can do is ask the gods and trust in their care. Now I nap. ----- EXHAUSTION When exhaustion hits, it can hit real hard. There is not the normal gradual decline of energy and alertness that a healthy person would experience. A gradual decline is easy to ignore. Just a slow slowing down until rest is available. Simple fatigue, this would be easier to handle than what I usually experience. The sudden onset of exhaustion is like hitting the proverbial brick wall at 60 mph. The stop is sudden and jolting. It feels as if the energy "plug" has suddenly been pulled. The body sags and feels slightly numb and ever so heavy. Movement slows as muscles stiffen. Aches replace numbness when the body is forced to challenge the pull of gravity effects increased fivefold. The numbness and aching extend to the mind as well. Thoughts become enshrouded in a grey fuzzy fog. The fog fuzzies vision as it does touch and smell. As the body shuts down, so does the brain, and so does the mind. Confusion replaces clearness of thought. Words become empty sounds without meaning whether spoken, heard, written, or read. Memory lapses into amnesia. Attention drifts with the slightest stimulus and focus can become impossible. If the body and mind are not now allowed to rest, a blinding headache will build. Every sound becomes grating like scratchings upon a chalkboard. Low rhythmic sounds pound hammer beats upon the skull. Light pains the eyes with searing heat. Cold begins in the bones and radiates out. Muscles twitch and sometimes spasm, bringing pain to the body inside out. The back and base of the skull throb as if struck by a mighty blow. The world whirls wildly about with waves of nausea in tow. Only sleep can ease this pain. Medications are often unavailable or ineffective. To pass out from the pain is fortunate indeed. Sleep reduces the headache but is unable to refresh either mind nor body simply of itself. To awaken from a CFIDS/ME headache is much like waking up with a hangover with no memory of the night before. The entire body feels sick; battered, beaten and bruised. Rest must continue and the body must be fed. The body's blood sugar can be so low that even needed sleep is denied until the levels are normalized. But the nausea and dizzyness make eating difficult and food preparation almost, if not totally, impossible. Overall weakness can make getting up to go to the bathroom a lengthy and adventurous process. Getting to the kitchen is a real challenge (especially if their are stairs involved). Doing anything once one gets there is another matter entirely. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY. [3 pm] I have been poisoned, starved, denied restful sleep, and spider bit. I am not a happy person. I am an angry person. I have explained, asked, begged, cried and collapsed but still I have to really bitch to get people's attention. I almost ended up in toxic shock yesterday. I really reacted [badly] to a spider bite on my arm. I was possibly passed out [unconscious] for a couple of hours. My body is in full crisis mode - all senses are over alert, the immune system is over stimulated, and the brain is exhausted and can't process the influx of stimuli. I am sick. All allergens and sensitivities cause over reaction. Even though I was taken to the hospital last night because I nearly passed out in the hall, Lois was still being an inconsiderate bitch. At 2:30 am I yelled at her and CJ to turn off the fucking TV set and go to bed [so I could get some sleep]. And to top it off, she was smoking in the living-room after everyone [had] agreed that no one was to smoke on the main floor [of the house]. That bloody tobacco smoke is toxic to my system, and so is the residue and ash. And that damn TV is annoying. I can't get enough "quiet" time to get any amount of rest. I hear noises downstairs and it pulls me out of a light sleep or out of dozing. Then it is difficult to get back to sleep. And each time I am awakened it becomes harder to doze back off. Hell, I feel angry. I blew up today. I didn't yell or fly into a rage, but I did tell people off. Lois included. I can't survive this shit. It's too much. ----- DIARY. SUNDAY. [5:45 pm] Lois did not learn... and the guys tossed her out [of the house] before I totally lost it and killed someone. On Friday she got the bum's rush, and ended up in the disaster where Dennis [pseudonym] lives with his mom. Poetic Justice. The god's are with us this weekend and I hope they continue to be for a while more. So I am a royal bitch. If that's what it takes to be free of her negative aura then so be it. I'll not cash the welfare check [for her rent here]... and I've written to welfare to say that she won't be staying here. She's not going to get me into a can-of-worms, no way. Also, other "twilight zone" events have made for an enjoyable weekend. I did drink myself sick but the release was needed before I imploded. It has been an interesting few days to say the least. ----- DIARY. SATURDAY. [3:47 pm] My sleep last night was better than it has been for days, but I will need many more before any energy will return to me. My hand is sore again. Still, I enjoyed harvesting nearly 2 gal. of green and yellow beans again today. It is a quiet day around here. I need it. Don needs to relax as well. He has been off on his bike today. I'm tired of mind, body and mood right now. Tired is a mood, an emotional state. It is fuzzyness neither hot nor cold, boy of low energy. It is neither happy or sad. But it's also not emptyness nor pain nor loss. Comfortable fuzzyness - warm slightly - a neutral point. ----- DIARY. TUESDAY. One Hell Of A Day. [10:30pm] * Had trouble sleeping so I went to my cot. At 8:30 am the cot collapsed. I got up. * 8:45 am. Call from the Victoria City Police seeking the whereabouts of Angel Smith [pseudonym]. I last saw her at 4:30 pm yesterday. She did turn up later. I worried about her. * 9:15 am. As I sat in the kitchen I hear voices in the yard. The landlord and a guy looking at the trees. * 9:30am. I'm told to move move cars [with flat tires and dead batteries], the motorcycle and tent [in the yard] now, and quickly harvest all I could from the garden as the trees were about to be felled. [This was my first notice of when the trees were to be harvested. I was in my nightie] Trees fell all day. Will fall tomorrow and Thursday. Power and phone and cable will be cut Thursday as well. My side garden got squashed, so did my strawberries. I pray the main garden is missed tomorrow. What a mess. What an outrage. Nothing we can do about it. All my hard work is gone. I feel sick about it. The cats were scared by the noise. * Danny [cat] comes home to eat, with a large lump on the left side of his neck. A cyst no doubt. His neck should look well chewed tomorrow. ----- DIARY. MONDAY. [late pm] The mess in the yard remains as a grim demonstration to the ugliness of clear-cut logging. Tomorrow the last of the trees will be felled. I'll be glad when it is over. if it will be over. I am confused and saddened and afraid. I had been happy and content here and then as it has always [happened] in the past, things fell apart. -----