LETTERS TO MY FRIENDS           MARCH 2004
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From wo286@victoria.tc.ca Fri Mar 12 13:01:37 2004
Subject: grey day ramble.. feel free to delete

 Don't mind me.. I feel the need to ramble a bit. It's one of those days
again..

 The day outside is a weary sort grey to match the bone weary day I am
having inside. The sun will almost break through the clouds and brighten
the world for a few minutes before the clouds thicken again to dim the
world again. Light gusts of breeze silently sway the branches of the aspen
tree outside my bedroom window. It's the sort of day when the cats cannot
decide if the prefer to be indoors or outdoors, they are either on the
inside of the glass looking out or on the outside looking in.

 I feel as if something has latched onto me and is draining the very life
force from my body. That feeling that not just has someone walked over my
proverbial grave but is sitting on it. My sleep was plagued by
sleep-demons, those vague floating fears of the period between wakefulness
and sleep that breed panic attacks and rob the body of rest. The type of
non-sleep sleep that brings about a waryness about trying to sleep again.
I don't know what has brought about last nights "attack of the sleep
demons" but once I did get some real sleep I woke up with a nasty headace
on one side of my poor head.. the ever sore left side of course. <sigh> I
feel beyond tired, beyond fatigued. My body feels heavy, like gravity
itself has been intensified and the air has thickened making breathing and
moving a chore.

 My moods have been like the weather today, grey with bright moments..
almost spring, early spring with hopes for bright, beautiful days to come.
But the grey, cold background of late winter hangs on reminding me of
every depressing aspect of my existance.

 It is easy to become overwhelemed by the smallest task. I feel lost..
confused. I feel like I've felt this way forever and will feel this way
forever. I feel weak, guilt ridden for what I cannot do. I am greatful for
the love of my family and friends, but I feel unworthy and guilty and I
just can't work my way out of it.

 I feel more trapped than I can remember ever feeling.. trapped in the
house. Housebound. Until and unless the weather gets better and my
strength increases my scooter won't be of any use to get me to shops and
doctors. I wish I had the money to afford taxi's, and the money to be able
to go places and do shopping. I feel sad and guilt keeps me from asking my
daughter to come out on her days off to take me out since she is working
so much these days that her coming out Sundays is about all her strength
will allow. I hate that she has the DD too.

 Some times I do feel like ending it all. I am not the strong person some
folks think I am. I cannot cope, I cannot adjust, adapt, no matter how
much I want to do just that. But guilt keeps me here in the grey world of
my existance. I can't abandon my family, my cats, my friends.. not after
all they have done to keep me safe, all the love they have shown me. But I
am so sad. I feel like I belong in a box, not in this lovely home.

 The best I can do is distract my mind from sadness and worry, to putter
away at doing what I can when I can. And to pray and trust that nothing
bad will happen today. Take comfort where I can.. the contentment of a cat
snuggled close, the soft fur and soothing purr .. rainbows from crystals
on the windows that dance on floors and windows, birds on the branches.. a
cup of tea.. a book I can get lost in.. an afternoon out with my son just
being out of the house with no pressures and nothing that has to be done
but enjoy each others company.

 Grey days are almost worse than stormy ones. On stormy days you just hang
on until they pass.. all energy and thought is focused on just hanging in
until the storm passes. Gray days are the saggy, dull, weary places where
the body can't be awakened or pushed to action and the mind is open to
grey feelings of hopelessness, guilt and shame. Too tired to be
overwhelmed, but strong enough for grief.

 It's another grey day for body and spirit..

Huggs
Phyllis

-- 
* A Burden Shared is a Burden Halved.
  A Smile Shared is a Smile Multiplied.
                            *~*~*~*