CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... AUGUST 2004 ======================================================== The story of Petey the Snake thanks Lichen Petey was a snake, only sooo big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit. If you must hiss, go outside the pit and hiss." Petey went outside the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around, when he finally leaned over a little and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in the pit, go over to Mrs. Potts' pit and hiss in her pit." But Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Potts' pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit and said. "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit, go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Potts' pit to hiss in her pit, but she was not home so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott then came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own pit and hiss, but don't hiss in my pit." This made Petey's mother very angry. She said, "Why that mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in." ---------------------------------------------------- kids Thanks Budd & KS How was I born "Daddy, how was I born?" "Oh, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We found we were compatible and decided to link up. After that, your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. It was too late to hit the delete button, and nine months later the blessed virus appeared." "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ................................................ Thanks EBB THE TWENTY-THIRD PSALM Timmy was a little five-year-old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier she was concerned about him walking to school when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week he came home and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He protested loudly that he wanted to "be like the big boys." So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!" ---------------------------------------------------- your time is up Thank you Karen A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this!!!) ... God replied, "I didn't recognise you." ---------------------------------------------------- If they had Jewish mothers.. thanks Lichen MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" COLUMBUS ' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and go to bed!" And, of course, these two, who really did have Jewish mothers: ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "But it's your graduation picture. Couldn't you do something about your hair?" MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "That's a nice story, Moishe. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years. ---------------------------------------------------- Idle Thoughts thanks Ebb IDLE THOUGHTS OF THE WANDERING MIND I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I had amnesia once--or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer; every problem begins to look like a nail. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm. My weight is perfect for my height--which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae ENGLISH LANGUAGE Something to show the fun in the English language! Hope you enjoy it. We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English; 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree! Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. If Dad is Pop, how come! mom isn't Mop? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Helpful blond thanks Amy Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!""Dear God! Did you try to stop him?""No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks jpChris Thought for today There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ---------------------------------------------------- visit to the dentist thanks Budd & KS A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd & JR Quotes from the Office "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done." "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." "The beatings will continue until morale improves." "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." "What you see as a glass ceiling, the boss sees as a protective barrier." "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project." On their death bed, no one ever said, "I wish I had spent more time in the office." Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. ---------------------------------------------------- leave it to Bob thanks Brent = Bob Joins the Army After about three weeks in basic training, Bob's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out, "How about sending us back FOUR weeks?" ......................................... = Bob's MG? I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'. I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG." The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob." ................................... = Bob Stays at a Dude Ranch More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" ---------------------------------------------------- The Old Fart thank you Mae This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day the would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter? He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." .......................................... Husbands and Wives thanks Lichen WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." .......................... UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. ...................... MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. ...................... CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. (Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-) ........................... WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." ............... WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" .................... CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! .......................... BEAST Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?" ................... WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee" Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS" ---------------------------------------------------- Mexican Jews thanks Mae Mexican Jews Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al" were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll go ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook says "No Mexican Jews!" "Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter."We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews. ---------------------------------------------------- Never argue with a child!! Thanks Mae Never argue with a child!! A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". _________________________________________________________ A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ___________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ___________________________________________ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of GRANDMA'S hairs are white?" __________________________________________ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." ___________________________________________ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aren't empty." ___________________________________________ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ---------------------------------------------------- Know Your Friends One day, a little boy visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage the boy's arm. "I think you'd better bandage the other arm, doc!", said the boy. "But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it." "Doc, you really don't know anything about how my friends behave!" .................... Double Talking Dentist "Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Good grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen." "OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice." "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo." ............................... Looking For Barney A four year old was at the paediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." ---------------------------------------------------- Q & A's Q. What is another name for a nerve specialist? A. A twitch doctor. ................... Q. How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon? A. Only one, if it were long enough. .................. Q. What goes: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, plop? A. Someone who is laughing their head off. .................... Q. Who ws Snow White's brother? A. Egg White. Get the yolk? .................... Q. What do you get when you cross a movie with a swimming pool? A. A dive-in theater. .................... Q. How many feet are in a yard? A. It depends how many people are in the yard? .................... Q. Do we get fur from a skink? A. Yes, as fur as possible. .......................... Q. Do these stairs go to the third floor? A. No, you have to walk. ......................... Q.What is a small joke called? A. A mini ha ha. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Doris S.A.T. TESTING The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16 years-old students! You have to admit some are very creative. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the ocean? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium. Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section" A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman Emperor.. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A:Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head. ---------------------------------------------------- A "Life" sentence thanks jpChris Every once in a while, along comes a sentence that just sums everything up into one neat, tidy package: Life is all about ass...either you are covering it, kicking it, kissing it, or trying to get it." ---------------------------------------------------- The School's Answering Machine thanks Budd & DK This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This is the actual answering machine message for the school: "Hello! You have reached the automatic answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff person, please listen to all your options before making a selection. To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort ... hang up and have a nice day!" ---------------------------------------------------- a tale of a sad kingdom Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a king. The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But the kingdom was a sad place. There was no laughter, and no joy. The problem was, that everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic...anthing she touched would melt!! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his beautiful daughter? He consulted his most powerful royal wizards and magicians. The most wise wizard told the King, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The King was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt at her touch, would marry her and inherit the King's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first Prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. When the Princess touched it, it melted. The Prince went away sadly. The second Prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But, alas, once the Princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third Prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand...and it did not melt!! The King was overjoyed! Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! And the third Prince married the Princess and the both lived happily ever after. The question is?!?!?!? What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket??? v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v They were M&M's, of course. THEY melt in your MOUTH, NOT in your HAND!! (What were YOU thinking?) ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Budd for these funnies.. Little Johnny.. From: KS Little Johnny watched the science teacher, as she put four worms into four separate jars: The first worm was put in a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put in a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put in a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put in a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: First worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive;The science teacher asked the class, "What can we learn from this experiment?" Little Johnny was the first to raise his hand;He said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms." ...................................................... Parking.. From: DS I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (?), gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" ---------------------------------------------------- food stuff.. thanks Brent A Prayer for Dinner Parties A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. The child bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ....................... You Are A Bad Cook If... - The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire - Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. - You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! - Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop. - The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. - Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. - You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. - You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew. - Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. - The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols. - You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. - You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece. - Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. - Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. - When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial. - Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. - Your microwave display reads "TILT!" - Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which. - You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. - You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. - Your family prays AFTER they eat! ....................................................... What's for dinner? Can't eat beef......mad cow Can't eat chicken...... bird flu Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......Chocolate. ---------------------------------------------------- the little guard dog There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So the husband sent his wife to the pet store, where she said to the store clerk, "I need a good big guard dog." The store clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out of the big ones. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate." The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair!" The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then the clerk said to the dog, "Karate that table!" The dog went up to the table, broke it in half and sat on it. The wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband, who was expecting a big guard dog. He told his wife that he thought she'd gone blond, but then she explained to her husband that the Scottie knew karate. The husband responded by saying, "Karate my butt!" ---------------------------------------------------- more wacky lables.. Here are more from the Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." ............................................... In an iron pamphlet: Do not use on clothes while being worn on body. ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =======================================================