======================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK ... LEAVE IT TO BOB ======================================================== Backspin breaks Bob's wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you." He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's 100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a sniff and says, "Uh-huh." The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes." That night when Bob gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car." Bob asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you." They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you smell that?" Bob says, "I ought to! I'm sitting in it." ---------------------------------------------------- At the bank... While waiting in line at the bank, a Bob developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took Bob's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. "Why not?" Bob asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." "It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!" "Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone." *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Balancing Act.. Tired of having to balance his wife's checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, she said proudly, "There! I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Bob came over to take a look. "Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, 615.00. What is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Assistance please.. After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Bob there?" I asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Bob," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour." ---------------------------------------------------- Bob's favorite payphone Bob was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, Bob again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Brent = Bob Joins the Army After about three weeks in basic training, Bob's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over. Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an anonymous voice called out, "How about sending us back FOUR weeks?" ......................................... = Bob's MG? I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'. I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG." The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob." ................................... = Bob Stays at a Dude Ranch More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?" ---------------------------------------------------- Time Travel Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. "The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m." "Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked. The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?" "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off." ............................................. Bob and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, Bob wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus. "No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." "I'll have black coffee too," Bob said. "And please make sure the cup is clean." The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?" ................................................. ====================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ================================2004-2005============================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++