=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... DECEMBER 2005 ================================================================ Thanks Gerry ************* children's letters to God 1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce 3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet 4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison 5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene 6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita 7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy 8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn 9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis 10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan 11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma 12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer 13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy 14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter 15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry 16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark 17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha 18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara 19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny 20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles 21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff 22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!! Frank And, saving the best for last . 23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas ................................................ Thanks JudyB ************ Why Women Are Crabby We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 year old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me. ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks JudyB *********** MARKETING People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is: You're a sexy lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail. You are at a party when a well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your butt. That's The Governor of California. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and he files a lawsuit on your behalf. That's America. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Best Pub in the World Thanks Budd *********** Newfie Humor: Best Pub in the World From: KS A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true. "hmmmm," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: The Politically Correct 12 days of Christmas Thanks Gayle ************ Seasons greetings On the 12th day of Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival my significant other in a consenting, adult, monogamous, relationship gave to me: Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming. Eleven pipers piping (plus an 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note.) Ten melanin deprived testosterone poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping. Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression. Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved bovine Americans. Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands. Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products. Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration.(After members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslaavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) Four hours of recorded whale songs. Three deconstructionist poets. Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and One Spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa,, Blessed Yule, and Happy Holidays* *unless you are suffering from seasonally affected disorder(SAD). If this is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Apples and wine Thanks DonnaM ************* Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the %$@# out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. ---------------------------------------------------- ~Top Ten Uses for Fruit Cake~ 10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table. 9. Use instead of sand bags during flooding. 8. Send to the Air Force, let planes drop them. 7. Use as railroad ties. 6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers. 5. Collect ten big ones and use them as bowling pins. 4. Use instead of cement shoes. 3. Re-gift them for the nosey neighbor. 2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition. 1. Two words: pin cushion. ;) ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd *********** Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "Oh No!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks.......... "How many is a Brazillion ??!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Brent ************ -------- WARNING!!!!!!!!!!! I get tired of all those forwarded warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important! I hope I'm not too late. Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now... ---------------------------------------------------- Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus. 1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee. 2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office. 3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement. 4. One big black belt - accessorized for life! 5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done. 6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't. 7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse. 8. You'd always work in sensible footwear. 9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss. 10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase. 11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work. 12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing. 13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day. 14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package. 15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap. 16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office. 17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue. 18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door. 19. No one would ask to see your job description. 20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout. ---------------------------------------------------- This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Gwen *********** This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the heck is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house. ---------------------------------------------------- What did one Angel say to the other ? Halo there ! How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? "A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" ! What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas ? Cross mouse cards ! How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards ? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!) ! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Lichen ************* a conversation between God & adam "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said * * * * "What's a headache?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Breast Feeding thanks Gwen *********** A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed. The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." ---------------------------------------------------- Have A Punny Christmas Richard Lederer If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe. A bird dog could be called a point setter. James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher. What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? It's a matter of a pinion! It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column. 1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____. 2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____. 3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____. 4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____ 5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____ 6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other, they are passing on _____ _____. 7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____. 8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____. 9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____. 10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____. 11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____. 12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____. 13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____. 14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____. Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise. Answers 1. Christmas Eve 2. Christmas Present 3. North Poll 4. Hoe, hoe, hoe. 5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l) 6. seasons' greetings. 7. St. Nickleless. 8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug! 9. silent knight 10. sandy claws 11. Christmas cards 12. cresh 13. Christmas Carols 14. Fleece Navidad! .............................................. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Dazzle ************** *FIREWOOD* "Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" Hmmmmm....who says rednecks aren't real bright? ---------------------------------------------------- Parking Lot Rules For Last Minute Christmas Shoppers 1. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. 2. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. 3. In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both. 4. As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull through and take it from him. 5. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car. 6. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. 7. When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed. 8. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/ relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers. 9. When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it. ---------------------------------------------------- A CAT'S CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. 'Cuz the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart- Ate his mousey intestines And chewed up his heart. Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells, which made him take pause- He stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws. "Must be Santa" thought Kitty (that quite clever cat) 'Cuz nobody else climbs down the chimney like that. Indeed it was ol' Santa, so jolly and fat With a load of presents and all for the cat! "Wow, the best Christmas ever!" Kitty thought with a purr, Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur. Thanks to IrisMist ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd *********** A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had Determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he Met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know If they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, mud again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't Get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the Pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks John *********** When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ''Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. ''Where would you like me to stick it?'' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks ebb ********** SANTA COOKIES 1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice 4 large eggs 1 cup nuts 2 cups of dried fruit 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still okay; try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who givesh a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. CHERRY MISTMAS ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Mark *********** With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks ebb ********** A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas-- Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of YoYos--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd ************ From: DK DEAR ABBY STUMPERS The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) admitted she was at a total loss to answer: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two- and-a-half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause? Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now? @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday... His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway... When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up".... ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Feline Purrsonal Ads thanks Laith ************ Gentle cat, conservationist, seeks refined home where manners count more than mousing. ------------------------ Gourmet seeks position as chief food taster. Excellent taste in venison, salmon and other fine meats. Connoisseur of cream. Will indicate quality of all foods tasted with loud purring. ------------------------ Young cat, suffering delusions of lionhood, requires easily scared family. Not yet able to dispatch wildebeest, will practice regularly on local wildlife. ------------------------ Elderly tabby seeks employment as bed-warmer. Will keep bed warm throughout day in return for daily salary of Whiskas and water. Gets along well with similarly inclined felines of all colors and willing to work as a team or will cover additional beds on shift rota basis. ------------------------ Mother's helper seeks post, will undertake dish-licking and general purring. Willing to supervise well-behaved children. No tail-pullers need apply. ------------------------ Retired supervisor, skilled in entertaining children seeks position as nanny/childminder. Has experience working in large unruly household. Very tolerant, has trained large family now living overseas. ------------------------ Daredevil, enjoys living dangerously, seeks untamed wilderness to explore/subdue between breakfast and evening dinner. Will keep territory free of children, dogs, rabbits and other cats. Will contribute towards own meals. ------------------------ Adagio dancer and operatic singer prepared to give exhibitions any time, need board and lodging together. Midnight performances a speciality. ------------------------ Small conscientious cat willing to work hard in return for good home; will tackle and destroy any creature up to a fair-sized moth; will scare away craneflies; not afraid of spiders. ------------------------ Sweet-natured, well-behaved cat, handicapped by enormous size, needs large country estate. Would make ideal companion/chaperone for single person with strong lap, good income and excellent taste in food. ------------------------ Reformed juvenile delinquent seeks position with understanding family. No longer bites unless meals are late. Suitable replacement for guard dog. ------------------------ Retired rodent-control operative seeks position controlling slow or disabled rats, maintaining physical presence or willing to supervise younger cats. ------------------------ Tortoiseshell sisters seek large cat basket, sleeps 2, in well appointed location with en-suite gas-fire. Fully-qualified lap-warmers/purrers, willing to occupy laps on job-share basis. No mousing. ------------------------ Trouble getting up in the morning? Enthusiastic feline alarm clock, preset to 5 a.m. seeks position after previous job fell through. Punctual, seven days/week. ------------------------ Black and white cat seeks neck to warm. Suitable replacement for hot water bottle, does not cool down during night. ******************** kitty dexterity....? http://www.umich.edu/~ryuji/funnycat.wmv ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd *********** From: CR A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Jim & Carol ***************** GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 35 success is . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . having friends. At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants. Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day. Have a wonderful day with many *smiles* Take the time to live!!! Life is too short thanks jpchris ************** Santa Claus finally answers some of the letters he gets from kids. Careful: he's cranky these days. ----- deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa --- Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your mom smoked pot when she was carrying you, didn't she? Santa --- Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa --- Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa --- Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words: Jim Beam. Santa --- Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Santa, P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus, --- Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa --- Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater. Again. Santa --- Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" -- that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, government apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks JudyB ************ A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmmm..." mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip,snip,snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table and pull his pants up. Then to walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots. ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++