=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... LOVE THE IRISH ================================================================ a Lil Irish Humor An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city on St. Patrick's Day and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the man says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ---------------------------------------------------- More Irish From: KS Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!" ........................................ thanks jpChris *************** St. Paddy's Day Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ....................................... Thanks Elaine ************* Happy St. Patrick's Day Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all." The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how is yer lovin' husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle." ......................................... Thanks Elaine ************* Irish Beer At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman, "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next, "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the king of them all. Gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next. "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward. "Barman, would ya give me a Diet Coke with ice and lemon? Tanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies, "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I." .......................................... St. Paddy's Day Coming From: DK THE ERRAND: McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said another customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothin'," said the Irishman. "Me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!" THE LOST LUGGAGE: An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman.. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" asked the airline representative. "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. WATER TO WINE: An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," answers the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and replies, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" THE BROTHEL: Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." They finally saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill." LOST AT SEA: Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. However, this particular genie stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Immediately thereafter, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull of the lifeboat broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, Patrick said, "Nice going, Patrick! Now we will have to pee in the boat! THE FALL: Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!" (And saving the best for last....) YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN: An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; the same thing happened. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air -- maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell on his face. He eventually made it to his home, crawling through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look and intent on bluffing it out, he said, "What makes you say that?" His wife responded angrily, "The pub just called.. You left your wheelchair there again!" ________________________________________________________________________________ beer toast Thanks Budd, From: DK Johnny O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks jpchris An Irish Lass Comes Home The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deed to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million pounds. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . (takes a breath) .. and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?" The girl, crying again, replied, "Sniff, sniff ... A prostitute Dad! . . .sniff, sniff .." "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!" ................................................. ===================================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. 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