CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... JULY 2004 ========================================================== thanks Mae This is for the ladies of the house and since we have all travelled the ferries you will probably know all about this! The Real Restroom Story. My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years", "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door. .................................................. thanks Budd & MR FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: little Jenny and Johnny Thanks ebb DON'T DISGRACE THE FAMILY Young Jenny was going on a date. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do it. But most importantly, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just as she had predicted. "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Grandma fainted. ............................................... Thanks Budd & KS Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Door Prize thanks Budd & DK Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An Old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School; God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking Of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said "kiss my ass." Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna Walters ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: daffynitions thanks Andreia ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines . ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: legally speaking.. at the courthouse.... Judge: Did you see that shot that was fired? Witness: I only heard it. Judge: That is purehearsay and inadmissible as evidence. As the witness left the stand and had his back turned to the judge, he laughed out loud. At once the judge called him back and was about to hold him in contempt of court. Witness: Did you see me laugh? Judge: No, but I heard you. Witness: Isn't that the same kind of inadmissible evidence, Judge? .................................................. at traffic court.. Guilty party: Your Honor, when I pulled into this parking place, I asked the policeman standing nearby if it was alright to do so. He said okay. But when I came back I found a ticket on my car. Judge: Do you think that you would recognize this officer if you saw him again? Guilty party: Yes, I think I would. Judge: Fine then, the next time you see him, tell him that he owes you twenty bucks. ---------------------------------------------------- Soccer Playing Chicken thanks Andreia A Sunday league soccer team is desperate for players - so desperate in fact, that they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off the line, the next it's putting in a perfect cross. At half time all it's team mates are delighted and they eagerly return to the pitch for the second half. On the way back the ref starts chatting with the chicken. "Great first half mate. You must be really fit," he says. "Thanks" says the chicken. "I try to keep myself trim, but it is difficult getting in a gym session before work." "What do you do?" asks the ref. "I'm an accountant," replies the chicken. Immediately the ref brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The team mates gather round the ref to protest against the sending off. "Sorry lads" says the ref. "I had no choice. Wait for it............ Professional fowl !!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd FOLLOWING DOCTORS ADVICE A man is having trouble with premature ejaculation so decides to go to the doctors for help. The doctor suggests "When you feel like you are ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." Later that day he went to the store and bought a starter pistol. All excited to try it out he runs home to his wife. He finds herin bed naked waiting for him. They get down to action and soon find themselves in the 69 position. Moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. Next day when the man went back to the doctors and was asked how it went he answered. "Not that well, when I fired the pistol my wife bit three inches off my penis, and my next door neighbor came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air." ---------------------------------------------------- Golf Funnies thanks Budd A little humor for all you goof ball lovers out there.... A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf. ---------------------------------------------------------- A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf, and it took 25 tosses to get it right!" ---------------------------------------------------------- A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered." ---------------------------------------------------------- A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down." --------------------------------------------------------- An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it hitting 3." --------------------------------------------------------- Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five." ---------------------------------------------------- Human Management Quiz for Cats 1. Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean? a) It's hungry b) It's lost c) You're hungry d) Let the begging begin 2. Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this? a) Supper b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat 3. Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean? a) You're in trouble - better not do it again b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again 4. Staircases are for: a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it d) All of the above 5. Your human talks/yells at you. You should: a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior 6. Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are: a) Important to humans and should be left alone b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result c) Annoying and should be removed immediately 7. Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be: a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed) b) Played with until they stop playing c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping e) Consumed for their nutritional value 8. A human giving you a bath should be considered: a) Under no circumstances b) Under no circumstances c) Under no circumstances d) An act of war e) All of the above 9. Your human's value is limited to: a) Providing food b) Providing water c) Letting you out d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship e) Leaving you alone f) All of the above; if properly trained ---------------------------------------------------- Toy Disclaimers * No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product. * Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. * Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. * Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. * Some dismemberment may occur. * Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man. * Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury. * Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!! * In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement. * Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. * Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended. *Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior. * NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it. * Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile. ---------------------------------------------------- Frog story thanks Budd From: DS A beautiful, well-endowed young lady walks into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee!" The girl looks around excitedly to see if anybody's watching her, then whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one!" The man packages the frog and smiles, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what they say to do: Take a shower. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume. Slip into a very sexy teddy. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed. She quickly hops in bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." The lady calls the pet shop, delighted that some businesses still take customer satisfaction seriously. The salesman says, "I had some complaints about those frogs earlier today. I'll be right over." Within 30 minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and angrily says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time." ---------------------------------------------------- the hired hand thanks m@nny it gets better, the second, third, fourth, and even fifth time around. A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!! ======================================== The Tent thanks Budd From: KS John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed, His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy." The note read, "The Tent Pole Is Up, The Canvas Is Spread, The Hell With Breakfast, Come Back To Bed." Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly Daddy. Her note read, "Take The Tent Pole Down, Put The Canvas Away, The Monkey had A Hemorrhage, No Circus Today." John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen." His note read, "The Tent Pole's Still Up, And The Canvas Still Spread, So Drop What You're Doing, And Come Give Me Some Head." Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs." Her note read, 'I'm Sure That Your Pole's The Best In The Land But I'm Busy Right Now, Do It By Hand!" ---------------------------------------------------- Sex Therapy thanks jpchris Sex Therapy A couple, both ages 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" `The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment; have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. Do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae TWELVE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY: 1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich! 4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 5. Some people are like Slinkies , Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 8. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 9. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 10. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 12. You read about all these terrorists. Most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration! --- Warren Hockman ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Best Slogan thanks Budd From: KS When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes, just smile and think of this... A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with many hours of hard work and little compensation... and when canned Carnation Milk became available in the grocery stores, she found out about an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with these words, "Carnation Milk is best of all:" She said, "I know all about milking and dairy farms... I can do this!" She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000 - even tho we will not be able to use it..." Here is what she wrote: Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a bitch!! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Never Anger Your Nurse thanks JudyB Here is your chuckle for the day. Can you just see it??????? Never Anger Your Nurse A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!" ========================================================= Subject: Hum: Redneck Code of Conduct thanks Budd & KS Rednecks' Code of Conduct 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT: 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with both hands. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2.Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the deer's in sight. 2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. Don't burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: students thanks Brent *Kid's View of Science* Q: What is one horsepower? A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. - You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. - When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. - When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. - While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. - Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. - A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. - Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil. - Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. - Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. - We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. - I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. - Rain is saved up in cloud banks. - Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. - Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. - It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places. ................................. A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!" His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain? "No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ...................................... At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course. The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal. I glanced at his letter to see how it was going. His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english." ........................................... Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well. "What was her answer?" the instructor asked. "I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Lichen Quick IQ Test There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man, who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > He opens his mouth and says. I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong...please go dig a hole and hide ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [ME_FMGigglesAndGrumbles] hum:waterology Thanks Brent Waterology I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard. Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast-feeding. Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk. C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. CIA: What makes you think that's milk? National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ! Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. NSA: We know what it really is. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it! Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE? Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you. Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy. IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. Mac users: Where's my pump? Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again! Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go? Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. ======================================================= Subject: hum: Aging gracefully, and more on kids thanks Doris Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90." ................... Grandparent stories: 1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. 4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!" 6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife," 7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!" 8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'." Children's Logic Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child." Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot." A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: puns for intellectuals thanks Doris Puns for intellectuals 1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger." 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world. 3. Two boll weevils grew up in S. Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils. 4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage; you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and Announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!" 9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down Again they refused.. So the florist then hired Hugh Mc Taggert, the biggest meanest thug in town.. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? --a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 11. And finally, ... there was a woman who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did!! .................................................. thanks Mae RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD: 1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall. 2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck. 3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack. 4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck. ..................................... Thanks Ebb POTATOES Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, whom they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato," and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say "Frito Lay." Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just... ..he's just A COMMON TATER!! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Dear John Letter thanks Mal You gotta love a man like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!      A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a  letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had  slep t  with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.      AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.     So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.     He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to  his girlfriend with the following note:     "I don't remember which one you are.     Please keep your picture and send the rest back." ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------