======================================================= CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK.... KID STUFF ======================================================= A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." ......................................... Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," said his Uncle Rodney. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night. ---------------------------------------------------- Kids are precious~ thanks Mae An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!" The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles." ************************************** A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" ************************************** My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he said. ********************************* When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four" *********************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were Ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted , "Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife," *********************************** Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!" *************************************** A second grader came home from school and said to her mother "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add "es". (Why wouldn't an English teacher love that one???) ***************************************** "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently."It means carrying a child." ******************************************** A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson answered, "Grandma, like it says on TV, "The best part of waking up is soldiers (folgers) in your cup *********************************** A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the arguments to a close.... "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ---------------------------------------------------- For Grandpa's Everywhere ... Thanks Budd From: LT A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits". ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Budd & KS How was I born "Daddy, how was I born?" "Oh, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We found we were compatible and decided to link up. After that, your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. It was too late to hit the delete button, and nine months later the blessed virus appeared." "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." ................................................ Thanks EBB THE TWENTY-THIRD PSALM Timmy was a little five-year-old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier she was concerned about him walking to school when he started kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week he came home and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He protested loudly that he wanted to "be like the big boys." So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So I guess I'll just have to get used to it!" ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Mae Never argue with a child!! A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". _________________________________________________________ A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ___________________________________________ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ___________________________________________ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of GRANDMA'S hairs are white?" __________________________________________ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." ___________________________________________ A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet aren't empty." ___________________________________________ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving farther along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." ---------------------------------------------------- ============================================================ Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad posts with anyone in need of a chuckle. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of any materials contained in this post. 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