CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... MARCH 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: hum: a real groaner thanks Gerry Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zebb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Piece Prize" but also the "Pulletsurprise." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: the perfect dress thanks Budd From: "CR" The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!" Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied,"Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: The Drunk Driver and the Police thanks Mal  A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets home, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: while driving home.. thanks Budd From: CM BARBARA WAS DRIVING HOME FROM ONE OF HER TEACHING ASSIGNMENTS IN NORTHERN ARIZONA WHEN SHE SAW AN ELDERLY NAVAJO WOMAN WALKING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. AS THE TRIP WAS A LONG AND QUIET ONE, SHE STOPPED AND ASKED THE NAVAJO WOMAN IF SHE WOULD LIKE A RIDE. "YES." AFTER A BIT OF SMALL TALK WHILE RESUMING THE JOURNEY, THE NAVAJO WOMAN NOTICED A BAG ON THE SEAT NEXT TO BARBARA . "WHAT IN BAG?'" ASKED THE WOMAN. BARBARA GLANCED AT THE BAG AND SAID, "IT'S A BOTTLE OF WINE I GOT FOR MY HUSBAND." THE NAVAJO WOMAN WAS SILENT FOR A MOMENT..............THEN SPEAKING WITH THE QUIET WISDOM OF AN ELDER SAID, "GOOD TRADE." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Help wanted... thanks Karen A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the  window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.  Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I  realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.  The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Husbands at the Supermarket... thanks Karen Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you.  What does your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt.  What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: thanks for the chain letters.. thanks Darlene To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2003: * I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. * I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. * I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer. * I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. * I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo. * I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay. * I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs. * I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. * I think I'm turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at any girl no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. * I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl, she's been 7 since 1993... * I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. * My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland. * But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7 pm. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: The Magic of VODKA! CALLING ALL 'ALKIES'!! Thanks Mae The Magic of VODKA! 1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting. 5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry. 6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores. 7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair. 8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them. 9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreezable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes. 10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains. 11. Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow. 12. Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out. 13. If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis. 14. To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter and massage into your scalp and let dry. 15. To treat an earache put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear. 16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment. 17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka. 18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting. 19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin. 20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. OR JUST DO WHAT I DO!!! Or bypass all the inconvenience and drink the stuff! You'll be entirely disinfected from the inside out, but when you pee, make sure to hit that mildew in the shower. It will remove the mildew, and empty your bladder in one easy step! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Redneck Gas Station thanks Gwen A gas station in "redneck country" was trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and, if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "No, but you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time, but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy, Bubba replied, "No tain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Senior Citizen's Alphabet thanks Mae Senior Citizen's Alphabet A for arthritis, B for bad back, C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac? D is for dental replacements and possibledecline, E is for eye sight..... Can't read the top line. F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention) H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low) I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, that now fail to flex L for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack when they're bent (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck O is for osteo- and all bones that crack. P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new! Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu? R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears U is for urinary: difficulties with flow V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. W is worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray-- and what might be found. Y for another year I've left behind Z is for zest that I still have my mind! Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed, And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!! Ain't being a "senior citizen" great??? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: 24 top something thanks Budd From: JR Top 24 Funniest Signs Seen in the USA 24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." 23. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." 22. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 21. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." 20. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." 19. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." 18. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" 17. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 16. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" 15. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." 14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." 13. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." 12. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." 11. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." 10. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." 9. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." 8. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." 7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy" 6. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." 5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: "Visualize Being Towed." 4. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." 3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." 2. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" 1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Archeological Discovery thanks Gwen After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway,researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color. Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery. Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: fish thanks Karen   Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Spence *How High Can You Go?* A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ *Military Computer* Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR. ============================================================== *Fishing Trip* "So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. "All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae A Letter To The Bank: (Note to C & R: I love this one!!) Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times recently. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary.. an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only 8 years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, that when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose to deal only with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it after the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Press buttons as follows: 1.- To make an appointment to see me. 2.- To query a missing payment. 3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date. 8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I, however, wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, day. Your humble client, Judy --- (last name omitted) ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Fresh paint thanks Budd A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae GRANDMA'S AGE: LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MOOD RING: MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SUPPORT A FAMILY: THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Old Hooker After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Hanson called a brief recess and retired to his chambers. En route, he bumped into Judge Forbes. "Say," said Hanson, "what would you give a sixty-three-year-old hooker?" "Oh gosh," replied Forbes, "five or six bucks tops." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Mother Taught Me Things My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me LOGIC... #2 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My Mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM... "Will you LOOK at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA... "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER... "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS... "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY... "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't exaggerate!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE... "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION... "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until we get home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home!" My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My mother taught me about SEX... "How do you think you got here?" My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out just like you!" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Lichen A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will ! I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called t! o his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn." Brain Cramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever! , because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. `````````````````````````````````` "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ````````````````````````````````````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. ````````````````````````````````````````````` "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ````````````````````````````` "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. ```````````````````````````````````````````````````` "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. ```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark `````````````````````````````````` "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President ``````````````````` "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President `````````````````````` "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle `````````` ! "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ``````````` "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. ````````````````````````````````````````` ! "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. ```````````````````````````````````````````` "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ````````````````````````````````! ` "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President `````````````````` "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP `````````` "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ``````````````` "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina ```````````````````````````````````````````` "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ```````````````````````` .Feeling smarter yet? ------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: hum: About growing older per Mark Twain (fwd) thanks Mal AND, ABOUT GROWING OLDER............     First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.     Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.     Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.     Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.     Fifth, You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.     Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.     Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.     Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.     Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.     Tenth, Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.     And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: nuts by the tree thanks Gerbear On the outskirts of a small town, there was a pecan tree, just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two small boys filled a pail with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began to divide the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, counted the one boy. Several nuts spilled to the ground and rolled down a slope toward the fence. Another boy came riding down the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he ran into an old man with a cane hobbling along. "Come quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The old man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy kept insisting, the old man hobbled over to the cemetery fence and listened, and he heard, "One for you and one for me, one for you and one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you and one for me. That's all, now lets go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They tell me the old man arrived back in town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bicycle. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Budd From: KS Lawyers... Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids.. I just don't get it" "Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?" "Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em? "Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment! See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Duct Tape thanks jpchris DUCT TAPE (Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything!) Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her door bell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face." --------------------------------------------------------------------- thanks Karen Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."  The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot!" Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the! two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain went up. The curtain rose, and looking out upon the audience, the two boys were terrified! They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words, "My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap." The second boy screams out, "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit!  I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Polish divorce thanks Mal A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.  Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: Have you any grounds? POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms. LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland." LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up? POLE: NO, I'm always up before her. LAWYER: is your wife a nagger? POLE: NO, she white. LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce? POLE: SHE going to kill me. LAWYER: What makes you think that? POLE: I got proof. LAWYER: What kind of proof? POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover." ------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------