=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... MARCH 2005 ================================================================ Subject: hum: Italian Honeymoon thanks jpchris After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga with his a finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.' "So, we go to club a car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my bigacigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da topa his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' "Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: kid stuff thanks Spence I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon. Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday. Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?" Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!" Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats." ................................................... The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t." ................................................... When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family." ............................................. Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!" When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE." "Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs." "I won because my guess was the closest." ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Tweetie New Book Titles Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author.... - "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace - "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff - "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow - "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty - "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel - "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent - "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate - "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down - "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung - "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago - "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud - "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter - "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples - "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath - "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch - "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First ---------------------------------------------------- thanks tweety 51 Days A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: heavenly treats thanks Dazzle A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: bronze rat A tourist walks into an old curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: on the hunt thanks dazzle It was Saturday morning as Tim, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his blonde wife, Deb, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Tim asks her: "What are you up to?" Deb smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Tim, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas. Tim sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it, and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot". Tim walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Deb couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Tim starts running back. As Tim gets closer to her stand, he hears Deb screaming: "Get the heck away from my deer!" Confused and frightened Tim races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the heck away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Tim is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Jamaican Sandals A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shop keeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Vacationers! Come in! Come into my humble shop!" So they walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sexgod he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make me any better than I am? "The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. Something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican, began screaming, "DE WRONG FEET, MON! DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!" ======================================== Did I read that sign right? Thanks Mae TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh ---------------------------------------------------- great truths thanks karen I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life is sexually transmitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------------------------------------------- Be Careful What You Promise thanks Dazzle A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a pretty good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning." ---------------------------------------------------- Valuable Dog thanks Budd From: KS A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!" The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?" "I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover. The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!" "No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog." The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone. "Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight." "Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper." "Let's go look for him," said the man. The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away. Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!" Dog says, "First time I ever had any money!" ---------------------------------------------------- Backspin breaks Bob's wife goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. She asks why. The salesman says, "Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you." He drives the car 100 miles and hour toward a brick wall, and when he's 100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, "Do you smell that?" She takes a sniff and says, "Uh-huh." The salesman says proudly, "That's hydraulic backspin brakes." That night when Bob gets home, his wife says, "Dear, I bought a car." Bob asks, "How did you decide which kind to buy?" She says, "I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I'll show you." They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it she jams on the brakes, and they stop one foot from the wall. She looks over at her husband and says. "Do you smell that?" Bob says, "I ought to! I'm sitting in it." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Quotable chuckles thanks jpchris Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister-and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ...Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~MarkTwain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires. . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out. ~Phyllis Diller The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good...spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ---------------------------------------------------- Possible Warning Lables On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear. On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Leroy A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest--he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here... Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names." ---------------------------------------------------- SUPER GRANNY - DEFENDER OF JUSTICE True story. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping at a mall and was returning to her car. She found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun from her purse, and proceeded to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men did not wait for a second invitation. They got out of the car and ran . The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got behind the wheel. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then realized why the key did not work. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four spaces down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, senior moments..... Have a nice day ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Michele YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 25. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ==========================2005======================================= +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++