CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... MAY 2004 ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: hum: Age is just a number thanks Mae A passer-by noticed an old lady sitting on her front step: "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?" "I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop a huge number of pills and do no exercise at all." "This is absolutely amazing at your age!!!!", says the passer-by. "How old are you?" "Twenty four" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: doctors and pills.. thanks Brent Thought I'd let my doctor check me, 'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . . All those aches and pains annoyed me And I couldn't sleep at night. He could find no real disorder But he wouldn't let it rest. What with Medicare and Blue Cross, We would do a couple tests. To the hospital he sent me Though I didn't feel that bad. He arranged for them to give me Every test that could be had. I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped, My aging frame displayed. Stripped, on an ice cold table, While my gizzards were x-rayed. I was checked for worms and parasites, For fungus and the crud, While they pierced me with long needles Taking samples of my blood. Doctors came to check me over, Probed and pushed and poked around, And to make sure I was living They then wired me for sound. They have finally concluded, Their results have filled a page. What I have will someday kill me; My affliction is OLD AGE ..................................... *Welcome Home* A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a RICH Doctor!" ...................................................... If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children. ....................................................... *Pills* A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: giggles and groans thanks Gerry Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? 1. all the DNA is the same 2. there are no dental records .................................... Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder on Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one of the detectives. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan." ...................................................... The investigation of Martha Stewart goes on. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water, then you dump the stock. .............................................. New Sex Study: It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggy position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. ................................................ Moe: "my wife got me to believe in religion." Joe "Really?" Moe" "yeah until I married her I didn't believe in hell!" ..................................................... While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husbands advice. "what do you think?" I asked "should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "better get a bikini," he replied, "You'll never get it all-in-one." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: air travelers thanks Brent Tiring of the inconvenience of the drive from airport to country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual. Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband abruptly yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster. Continuing, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken he said to his wife, "I don't know what got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!" And with that, he opened the door and stepped out, falling into the water. ....................................................................... *Welcome Home* A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure. As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband. The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a RICH Doctor!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Kids thanks Lichen Great One!!! Here's one for you A Mom is driving her little girls to her friend's house for a Play date. "Mommy" the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey you are not supposed to ask a lady her age" the mother warns. "It is not polite." "Ok" the little girl says. "How much do you weigh?" "These are personal questions" the mother says "and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything" the little girl tells her friend. "Well" said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are, you're 32." The mother is surprised and asks "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "'Cause you got an F in sex." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Performance reviews... thanks Karen "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." "He would argue with a signpost." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." "A photographic memory but with the lens cap glued on." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "One neuron short of a synapse." "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." "Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes." "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead." "Just a way to whittle away a few minutes of retirement." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." I would not allow this employee to breed. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be." "He's been working with glue too much." "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." "A prime candidate for natural deselection ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: cats and dogs thanks Brent *Self-Evident Truths About Pets* * Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. * Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. * Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. * Dogs shed, cats shred. * I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? * No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. * Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. * I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. * Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. * We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? * Women and cats will do as they please ... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. * When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: baby names thanks Brent Baby name ideas, based on your occupation! PROFESSION.................................NAME Lawyer's daughter.............................Sue Thief's son........................................Rob Lawyer's son.....................................Will Doctor 's son.....................................Bill Meteorologist's daughter....................Haley Steam shovel operator's son..............Doug Hair stylist's son...............................Bob Homeopathic doctor's son.................Herb Justice of the peace's daughter..........Mary Sound stage technician's son............Mike Hot-dog vendor's son........................Frank Gambler's daughter..........................Bette Exercise guru's son.........................Jim Cattle thief's son.............................Russell Painter's son..................................Art Iron worker's son............................Rusty TV show star's daughter.................Emmy Movie star's son.............................Oscar Barber's son...................................Harry Housewife's son .............................Dusty Minister's daughter ........................Faith Day-trader's daughter .....................Hope Televangelist's daughter ..................Charity IRS agent's daughter ......................Mony Geneticist's son ............................Gene Espresso vendor's son ...................Joe Undertaker's son ............................Barry Beautician's son .............................Curly Gardener's son ..............................Moe Florist's daughter ...........................Rose Baker's daughter ...........................Cookie Manicurist's son ............................Hans Athlete's son ................................Victor Lumberjack's son .........................Glenn Plumber's son ..............................John Accountant's daughter ...................Ira Musician's daughter ......................Melody Jeweler's daughter ........................Opal Gastrointerologist's daughter .........Fanny Politician's daughter .....................Patsy Butcher's daughter.............................Patty Bartender's daughter..........................Brandy Moving company exec's daughter.......Cari Counterfeiter's son.............................Bill Museum curator's son........................Art Book printer's daughter.......................Paige Trout fisher's daughter........................Brook Kindergarten teacher's son.................Skip Publisher's daughter..........................Mag Woodworker's daughter......................Peg Tennis player's son............................Ace Clothing manufacturer's daughter.........Polly Esther Teacher's son....................................Mark Landscaper's son...............................Phil Singer's twin daughters......................Harmony & Melody Highway patrolman's son....................Chase ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: "DILBERT QUOTES" thanks Mae A MAGAZINE RECENTLY RAN A "DILBERT QUOTES" CONTEST. THEY WERE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO SUBMIT QUOTES FROM THEIR REAL-LIFE DILBERT-TYPE MANAGERS. HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation) 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards executive) ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Ever wondered........? thanks Karen 1 . Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: the B.C. thanks Doris Basic Baptist Bathroom A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?" When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply. Dear Madam: "The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. "No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week. "Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. "It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. "We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. "Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. "Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. "I look forward to your visit." "We offer a very friendly campground ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: family fued answers & laws of nature Thanks Brent *Family Feud Answers* *Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:* Name something a blind person might use: a sword Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse Name something that floats in the bath: water Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair Name something red: my cardigan Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers Name a famous royal: mail Name a number you have to memorize: 7 Name something you do before going to bed: sleep Name something you put on walls: roofs Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes Name something you might be allergic to: skiing Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet Name a continent: Italy Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog Name something slippery: a con man Name a kind of ache: a pancake Name a food that can be brown or white: potato Name a potato topping: jam Name a famous Scotsman: Jock Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones Name something with a hole in it: window Name a non-living object with legs: plant Name a domestic animal: leopard Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee Name a way of cooking fish: cod Name something you clean: your sister &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Lawsl. Here are some: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics. Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle: The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: 10 Commandments (fwd) thanks Budd From: EWC THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand. Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is new. Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before the wife finishes. Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. Unfortunately, the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat their husbands like toxic waste. Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.. Bonus marriage story: A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too. But he leaned over way too far, fell into the well and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, and said, "It really works!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Dear Dog & Cat thanks Doris Dear Dog and Cat, When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not Switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sicking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine and/or feline attendance has never been necessary. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. Now, in return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet a ot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug- using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Age Old Ponderables thanks Don 1. Can you cry under water? 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." 3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 5. If you have to "put your two cents in". . . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra money going to? 6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake-up like every two hours? 10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? 12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? 14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 18. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour! 19. Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Humor: Genie thanks Budd From: CM Oly and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Oly for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster?!" "Vell", replied Oly, "I got it from me Genie." "You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Oly. "Could I see him?" So Oly opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million Ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Oly. "Yumpin' Yimmny! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" Oly answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: noisy neighbours Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Advice to men thanks Laith Advice from a retired man It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends, things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days, that way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me, until I fall asleep. I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. [Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death is still under investigation] ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: 2004 Darwin Awards (fwd) thanks Mae Last one is a real winner! 2004 Darwin Awards Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: 7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. 6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. 5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped, and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma." 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized. 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. AND THE WINNER..... 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles were in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: in the number.. thanks Karen A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different. Something unusual WAS about to happen.  He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.  He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.  He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month. Threes - that was it!  He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section.  Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win. The horse finished 3rd. ------------------------------------------------------ A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again "which is a boy and which is a girl". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company." ---------------------------------------------------- Bar Houdini and others... thanks Brent Bar Houdini A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ignoring Signs Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way. They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly as she pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too? ..................................................... Computer Confidence At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would immediately get off the plane?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff. ---------------------------------------------------- Why men lie. One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water, and he needed the ax to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it! ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mae CHURCH SIGNS: Have you ever been driving down the road, passed a church and tried to read the sign out front? Here are a few good ones. > "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1." > "Under same management for over 2000 years." > "Soul food served here." > "Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!" > "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church." > "Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case." > "Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?" > "Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due." > "Walmart isn't the only saving place!" > "Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary." > "It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees." > "What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?" > "A clear conscience makes a soft pillow." > "The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday." > "Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive." > "Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings." > "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." > "Christians, keep the faith -- but not from others!" > "Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies." > "If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil's orchard." > "To belittle is to be little." > "Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you." > "God answers kneemail." ................................................................ thanks Budd From: KS A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: after church... One Sunday after church a mother asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt," the young girl said. Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mother asked what that day's Sunday School lesson had been about. He said, "Be not afraid, for thy comforter is coming." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Rather than spend the time alone in the pew there was a very young gentleman who always walked up to the altar with his mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged on her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" His mother whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later, when he learned the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat!" * * * * * * * * * * * * A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He's an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -- Our Father, who does art in heaven..." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Phynnies thanks Spence During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a license?" "No," the man said, "He doesn't need one." "Yes he does," answered the officer. "But," said the driver, I always do all the driving." ...................................................... While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?" His response was, "My mother can." The teacher replied, "Really?" The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home." ........................................................ A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said. ............................................................ A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: BLONDE JOKE thanks Budd From: LT A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" ---------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30-------------------------