=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... NOVEMBER 2005 ================================================================ a senior moment thanks Doris ************ "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00." ---------------------------------------------------- the blond guys are at it again Two blonds go on a fishing trip just like the kind they saw on the TV. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" .......................... The two blonds were working on renovating a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second got completely upset and yelled, "You Blond!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" ...................... While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, the blond college student led the way into the den. "What is that big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is a talking clock", the man replied. "How's it work?" the curious friend asked. "Watch", the man said and then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU @&%@!&!@!! IDIOT! IT'S TWO @^&%!! AM! ---------------------------------------------------- The assignment thanks jpChris ************** Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. "The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch (Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. ---------------------------------------------------- Homonyms thanks Laith ************ As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset." She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference." ---------------------------------------------------- funnies Jerry, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out... This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner. When my Jerry was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I love to play the lotteries and sweepstakes. Usually I don't win much but this past year I've been on a real winning streak. First off, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres ofthe prettiest swampland, just below the flood plane in Mississippi. Then, before I knew it, I had won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last month, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in. ............................................... *F1 - Help* My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" ---------------------------------------------------- Cinderella thanks Gwen *********** Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I've decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me." ---------------------------------------------------- "The Sea" from a kid's view point A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6) My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5) I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7) A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5) When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7) ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks jpChris ************** Finally Together She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs." ---------------------------------------------------- Don't Forget The Soap thanks jpChris ************** Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall in the dim light and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.... sure enough he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion, too ---------------------------------------------------- thanks tweetie ************** Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?" A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine." "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K., but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!," he replied. ---------------------------------------------------- Wee Stump Inn Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump Inn.' They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for the drinks. Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut, bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team. Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath, because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the shit out of me!" ---------------------------------------------------- anger management thanks dianna ************* When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen," I said. "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up. Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works... = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!" ---------------------------------------------------- Church Dictionary thanks Laith ************ Church Dictionary Archbishop A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. Church A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there. Clergyman A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven. Conscience The inner voice which warns us that someone is looking. Confidence The feeling that makes one believe a man, even when one knows that one would lie in his place. Creator A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Evil That which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. Experience A series of failures. Every failure teaches a man something, to wit, that he will probably fail again. Fine A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime. Husband A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar. Idealist One who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. Immorality The morality of those who are having a better time. Jealousy The theory that some other fellow has just as little taste. Love The delusion that one woman differs from another. Morality The theory that every human act must either be right or wrong, and that 99% of them are wrong. Pastor One employed by the wicked to prove to them by his example that virtue doesn't pay. Platitude An idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone,and (b) that is not true. Psychology The theory that the patient will probably get well anyhow, and is certainly a damned fool. Sunday A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in Hell. Sunday School A prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. - H.L. Mencken A Book of Burlesques [1916, 1924] ---------------------------------------------------- =======Eternal Truths====== 1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 4. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 5. If the shoe fits...buy it in every color. 6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 7. Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 8. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 15. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 16. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 17. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. ---------------------------------------------------- thanks jpChris Symptoms of the BIRD FLU... The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Mal ********** Skipping Church Father Riley woke up one Sunday morning and realizing it was such an  exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had  to play golf.  So he told Father Logan, the Pastor of Saint Michaels, that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass  for him. As soon as Father Logan left the room, Father Riley headed for the golf  course about forty miles out of town. This way he knewhe  woudn't accidentally run into anyone from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was all alone. After all, it was Sunday  morning and everyone else was in church!  At about this time, Saint Peter  leane over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and  exclaimed, You're not going to let him get away with  this, are you? The Lord sighed, and said, No, I guess not.  Just thn  Father Riley hit the ball and it shot straight towards the green, dropping just short of the flag, then rolled the distance and fell into  the first hole.  It was a 420 yard HOLE IN ONE!! Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked;  why did you let him do that? The Lord smiled and replied,   who's he going to tell? ---------------------------------------------------- MATH Jokes Thanks Laith ************ Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated. --- A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R Darwin) --- A topologist is a person who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. --- The difference between introvert and extrovert mathematicians is: An introvert mathematician looks at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert mathematician looks at your shoes. --- "Do you love your math more than me?" "Of course not, dear - I love you much more." "Then prove it!" "OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..." --- There really are only two types of people in the world, those that DON'T DO MATH, and those that take care of them. --- Q: How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia? A: They make you an offer that you can't understand. --- Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. --- A SLICE OF PI ****************** 3.14159265358979 1640628620899 23172535940 881097566 5432664 09171 036 5 --- What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me I've got my own problems! ---------------------------------------------------- GORGEOUS REDHEAD thanks jpChris ************** A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No," she replies. . . . . " Wait for it. . It's coming. The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye." (oh shut up, and just forward it!) ---------------------------------------------------- Military Wisdom "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U.S. Navy Swabbie "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop =========================================== After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter." ---------------------------------------------------- Strenuous Exercise thanks Dazzle ************* Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it daily, but our bodies don't want us (or won't let us) to do too much....so here's a program of strenuous exercise that doesn't require over-exertion. 01) Beating around the bush 02) Jumping to conclusions 03) Climbing the walls 04) Swallowing your pride 05) Passing the buck 06) Throwing your weight around 07) Dragging your heels 08) Pushing your luck 09) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting your own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out all the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting your foot in your mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces Whew! What a workout! Now, sit down and 26) Exercise caution. ---------------------------------------------------- Brake Down My boss' wife Alice was exasperated with her younger sister Jane, who bought an unreliable car and called for a ride every time it broke down. One day Alice got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" she asked. "My brakes just went out," Jane said. "Can you please come to get me?" "Where are you this time?" Alice asked. "I'm in the drugstore on Pine Street," her sister responded. "And where's the car?" "It's in here with me." ..................................... Unwritten Warning Labels On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. On a microscope: Objects in view are larger and more alarming than they appear. On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. ............................ A blond was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Gayle ************ Unavoidable Laws of Life... When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles law) A locking door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny) When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban) Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law) When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law) If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (Law of gravitas) Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence) You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling) Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth) If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland) The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed) The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop) Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell, or telephone, to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!) Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The donking principle) After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility) Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay) Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty) ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++