CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK.... YOU WERE SAYING??? =================================================== ............................. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen ........................... Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield ............................ There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz ." Lynn Lavner ......................... Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia .......................... Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns ........................... Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone ........................... My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson ........................... Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) ............................ Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams ............................ Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal ............................ According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro ........................... There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman ........................... See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time Robin Williams .......................... Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin ......................... You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips ......................... Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde ......................... It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." .......................... If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -- Johnny Carson .............. If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me Jimmy Buffet, Song Title ......................... I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. George Burns (1896 - 1996) ........................... This is like deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra (1925 - ) ............................. Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath. Dave Barry (1947 - ), "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" ........................... I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. Dave Barry ............................. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry ........................... Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Dave Barry .......................... What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. Dave Barry .......................... Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright .......................... Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright ................................ I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright ............................... I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright ................................ I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright ................................. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. Steven Wright ................................ If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? Steven Wright ................................ It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright ................................ It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Steven Wright ................................. Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright .................................. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' Steven Wright .................................. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright ................................... My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Steven Wright .................................... There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright ................................... What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright ................................... When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' Steven Wright ............................... You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright ............................... ==================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. --------------------------30------------------------- ======================2004==========================