CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD ARCHIVES.... SEPTEMBER 2004 ======================================================== thanks Brent *Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes* * "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." * "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." * "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." * "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." * "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting." * "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." * "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." * "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." * "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM." * "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: parking tickets thanks Sandra Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you might like to see what happened to a retired lady friend last week. She wrote: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Young Again thanks Mal Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age.  How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe." Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???" "Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base thanks Mae A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?" ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Linda THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 16. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 17. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 18. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 21. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 22. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done. 23. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 24. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Cannibals thanks Andy Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out in that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks on with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" the second cannibal replies. "There's your problem; those are friars!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: MOE AND SAM thanks Budd & DR Two 90-year old men, Moe and Sam have been friends all their lives.Their passion is baseball. Sam is dying, so Moe visits him. "Sam" says Moe, "you know how we both loved baseball all our lives, You have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow, someway you got to let me know if there is baseball in heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, we've been friends for many years, somehow, someway I'll let you know." And with that, he passes on..... Moe is sound asleep a couple of nights later when he hears a distant but familiar voice call out to him, Moe! Moe! "Who is it?" says a startled Moe. "Moe, its me, Sam, I'm in heaven and I got good news and bad news for you." "Tell me the good news first" says Moe. "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven" says Sam. "Really", Says Moe, "That's wonderful, what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: The Unstoppable Virus Thanks Budd & KS I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. > > 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. > > > 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. > > 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. > > > 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. > > 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. 7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." > > 8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: In The Courtroom Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for  the answer.........   In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first  witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"   She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since  you were a young boy, and frankly, you'v been a big disappointment to me.   You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them  behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains  to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper  pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the  room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again  replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a  normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in  the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different  women. Yes, I know him, too." The defense attorney almost died!   At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both  counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said to them, "If either  of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt and  regret the day that you were born!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum:: The Bowl of Ice Cream thanks Gloria A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: spuds You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like Hot Potato, and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her. But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, Frito Lay. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? OK! Here it is! Common-Tater! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: proverbs thanks Mae A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had 25 students in her class and presented each child in her class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these, keep in mind that these are 6 year olds because the last one is a classic! 1. Better to be safe than........................................ punched by a 5th grader. 2. Strike while the............................................. bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before................................... Daylight Savings Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of.......................... termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but........................... how? 6. Don't bite the hand that..................................... looks dirty. 7. No news is.................................................. impossible. 8. A miss is as good as a........................................ Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new............................... math. 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll............................. stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust............................................. me. 12. The pen is mightier than the................................... pigs. 13. An idle mind is............................................... the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's................................. pollution. 15. Happy is the bride who........................................... gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is................................................ not much. 17. Two's company, three's......................................... the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.............................. you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............. you have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as................................... Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not............................... spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed................................... get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you......................... see in the picture on the box. 24. When the blind leadeth the blind........................... get out of the way. The WINNER and last one! 25. Better late than......................................... pregnant! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: [ME_FMGigglesAndGrumbles] hum: To all my friends thanks Mae To all my friends, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the last year. Because of your concern: I no longer drink Coca Cola or Alka-Seltzer because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with the HIV virus. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant Freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer. I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000,000th time. I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special-mail program. I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!!!!!!! Now, if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least 12,000,000 of your closest friends in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at exactly 5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Even GOD has a sense of humor! thanks Linda There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother." 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with His meals. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature. 2. He ate a lot of fish. 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do. AMEN !!! "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Never piss off a woman thanks Mae A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said... "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Child's Prayers thanks Brent Prayers as Heard By Children From San Francisco: When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name. Groton, Mass: My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." Missoula, Mont: My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?" Uniontown, Ohio: I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag." Cleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands." Schenectady, N.Y.: I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear." Tampa, Fla: When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. Lake Forest Park, Wash: When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up." Grand Junction, Colo: When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble. Oak Harbor, Wash: When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: From The British Newspapers & Taking the train. thanks Mae FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS! 1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) 2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers! When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) 3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) 4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times) 5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaste radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) 6) Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo) ============= A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers.. 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction". 2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." 3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." 4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'". 5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that". 6) "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." 7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the CentraL Line,the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided". 8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." 9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions." 10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." 11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door" 12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand ?" 13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways" 14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage". ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: testing the tazer thanks Linda Dear Friends, My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note:Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Sherry. The occasion was our 16th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Spaz looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Spaz) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Spaz for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sherry to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Spaz looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy,". Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Spaz was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Mis s 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back. Just a word to the wise ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Cops With a Sense of Humor thanks Mae Cops With a Sense of Humor "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." * "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." * "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." * "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." * "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" * "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" * "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." * "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" * "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." * "Just how big were those two beers?" * "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." * "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." * And now for the best of all: "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: For Computer Users over 50 thanks KJ "Poem For Computer Users Over 50" A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3-inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a lon g trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode. Cut, you did with a pocket knife Paste, you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu. I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they WISH they were dead. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: Bubba and Earl thanks Karen Bubba and Earl were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!" Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper." ---------------------------------------------------- For Grandpa's Everywhere ... Thanks Budd From: LT A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits". ---------------------------------------------------- thanks Brent **Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer** 1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win. 2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long. 3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record. 4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header. 5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts. 6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal. 7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere. 8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win. 9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead. 10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. ---------------------------------------------------- ======================================================== Please feel free to share Cybermouse Joke Squad jokes. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ =====================2004==============================