=============================================================== CYBERMOUSE JOKE SQUAD JOKEBOOK & ARCHIVES.... SEPTEMBER 2005 ================================================================ Funny puns * I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. * He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. * Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. * A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. * He wears glasses during math because it improves division. * Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. * Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. * When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. * It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. * Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. * When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: Proverbs for the 21st Century 1. Home is where you hang your @. 2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 5. Great groups from little icons grow. 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 10. The modem is the message. 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 15. What boots up, must crash down. 16. Windows will never cease. 17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 18. Modulation in all things. 19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 20. There's no place like your homepage. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: the golf holiday Thanks JudyB ************ A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf:$1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling! Calling over to the manager, he asks, "WHAT is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?" " I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!" "That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!" .................................................. Animal Race Stats Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." ___________________________________________ An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" ---------------------------------------------------- Thanks Mae ********** During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub." Okay, here's your test: 1. Would you use the spoon? or 2. Would you use the tea cup? or 3. Would you use the bucket? || || || || || || || || || || "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup." " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "Noooooo," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug." (You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.) .................................................................................................................................................................. Thanks Dazzle ************* An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic." ....................................................................................................................... Thanks Karen ************ A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answered, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Just a sad little stick with a bit of bush, and a couple of balls hung from it." thanks Budd *********** Top 16 Country Songs 16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed my Ass All Day 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him 5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hum: NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH thanks jpChris ************** A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'." I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: hum: More Shaggy Puppy Stories Thanks Laith ************ More Shaggy Puppy Stories A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!" The principal was visiting the kindergarten class, as was his daily habit. The teacher was teaching the children about colors. She asked the class if anyone knew what color one got when one mixed blue and yellow. One kid immediately yelled out, "Green!" The teacher, shocked at the child's quick and correct answer, asked how he knew. The child replied, "My mommy puts this blue stuff into the potty, and when I do a pee pee it turns green." Eliot was about 3 when he and his dad paid a visit to a local mall. Eliot began to misbehave, so his dad picked him up and proceeded to carry him out of the store. As they made their way to the exit, Eliot yelled out, "Hey mister, put me down." You can guess what they taught Eliot in preschool. To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay. "Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?" The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!" "I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?" As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!" A grandmother was wheeling a toddler in a stroller and holding the hand of another little boy. She met an old friend she hadn't seen in years. After the usual greetings, the woman said, "And these must be your grand-children! How old are they?" The proud grandmother replied, "God bless them, the lawyer is two and the doctor is going on four!" A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a boy," came the reply. In a local church, a priest upset over the ringing of cell phones during his masses has installed an electronic jammer in his church to prevent the distraction. I can just see God now walking around saying, "Can you hear Me now? Can you hear Me now? Can you hear Me now?" In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair." Two old cronies met in the street after not seeing each other for more than twenty years because the Diamonds had moved from the lower East Side. They shook hands warmly and began to inquire about each other's families. Diamond said, "Jacobson, I'm very proud to tell you both my boys are a great success. Dick is a doctor with a beautiful office, does very well and lives on Sutton Place. My Marion is a lawyer, a regular Clarence Darrow, and makes $50,000 a year after taxes. All my friends should do so well! And how about your son? What is he doing?" Jacobson answered, "My boy, Norman, is a rabbi." "A rabbi? What kind of work is that for a Jewish boy!" ---------------------------------------------------- ===================================================================== Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh. Cybermouse claims no ownership or authorship of the materials presented here. They have been scrounged and shared anony-mousely.. authorship is noted where known. =========================2005======================================== +++++++++++++++++++++++30++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++